Creating

Taking a break from the husbometer has had a negative effect on my eagerness to blog. Data-tracking used to be a quick entry point for reflection on the day and on my marriage. Despite viable criticisms from people whose opinions I respect, I believe I will return to it at the 2/3 mark. One hundred days is not really so many.

Maybe there are better, healthier forms of relationship assessment? Really, I just started “The First 100 Days (of Marriage)” blogging project for fun. It never felt like anything but that… until people started having opinions.

over-exaggerated *sigh**

Here’s a relationship assessment form that I found from a quick internet search. A sampling of the questions:

Areas of our relationship that our working well for me? All the cuddles, the future planning, the small excitements and happinesses. Having a cheerleader and a frank critic all wrapped up in one smart human. Who gives me so much love, and sprinkles in surprising historical references.

Scrolling through the rest of the questions,  I feel like I have so much to be grateful for —

 

 

Data Doom

Madisen calls to talk about the pitfalls of keeping a husbometer. And with a quick, effectively argued blow – the husbometer becomes a private off-blog project (that will probably die a quiet death at the 100 day mark). Mad says the world doesn’t need to know all that, David doesn’t need to see that, and a positive frame of mind is the most important thing. Not the data. She talked about men that would come into the bar and talk about their unhappy wives, wives qualitatively and quantitatively unhappy with something in the marriage. No one needs to publicly wonder whether honeymoon highs are coming, rather need to remember and cherish all the little honeymoon highs throughout the day, the week, the year – and foster those into existence.

My phone call with Mad started with a request for private conversation, and that situation caused a tension that’s difficult to explain and very relevant to the events of the day.

Perhaps I’ve been lazy with my stream-of-conscious, daily-reporting tone for the blog. Perhaps I should experiment with different styles of writing.

In closing, some (non-data) highlights from the day:

  • Having a slow departure, big breakfast kind of morning
  • Watching Anne of Green Gables DVD (surprise side 2!) from the library on my laptop during the train ride
  • Thinking back on last night’s dinner with David and Omo
  • Having a really productive day at work (…using Adobe Premiere again to video edit!)
  • Free pumpkin pie with whipped cream! First pumpkin pie of the year
  • Having a phone call with a lost friend
  • Being given a seat on the subway
  • Coming home to David
  • Peaceful yoga and shower

The First 56 Days of Marriage [Index]

Index of posts:

Week 1
The First 100 Days
Husbometer
The Shelburne Museum
Getting to Know You
Mt. Mansfield
Jenga
Post-nup

Week 2
Fitness
Photos and Risotto
Interesting Development
Werkk
Slow Reveal: Wedding Photos, Political Truth, Work Life
Tom Time
Long Day

Week 3
The Little Red Lighthouse
Congratulations, Brother!
Unwell
Summer Squash n’ Scalloped Potato Casserole
Quick Check-in
Late
Sauce

Week 4
Family
VoteLibraries
Higher Education
Past Bedtime
Ithaca
October 12th, October 12th
Alumni Lacrosse Game

Week 5
Breakfast
I Choose You
Cancer
California
Leave No Trace
Frisbae
Jocelyn

Week 6
Return
Oww-y!
Life
Dog Food & Finances
Quick
Turn Around
S is for…

Week 7
Moods
Cathartic
Zippity Do Da
Newlydead
A Poem
Bio
Contra

Week 8
Dataaaaa & Day Recap
Assorted Updates
Election Day
Please No Photos
Scuttle
Sleep-in
L.L. Bean


An annotated version of the daily husbometer check-in:

Category Date Score Week Notes
Sex (Quantity, Quality) 11/13/18 0.9 9 Amazing sex (~8pm)
Communication 11/13/18 0.7 9 Just felt really positive and productive today
Chores 11/13/18 0.7 9 Took out trash, washed dishes
Fitness & Health 11/13/18 0.6 9 Way less weed
Finances 11/13/18 0.5 9 Stable condition
Trust 11/13/18 0.7 9 Probably because of the amazing sex
Dealing w/ Everybody Else 11/13/18 0.5 9 Work report seemed positive; he’s coming up on 2-year anniversary and coping with position roll-back
Food 11/13/18 0.6 9 Yummy gnocchi dinner!
Little things 11/13/18 0.7 9 Offered to help me with big class project

 

Flux

Today is all about getting back to work.

Cue inconvenient timing:

–headache–

I’m still reflecting on all the family time this past weekend, and feeling generally grateful.

My thoughts have turned to the challenge of deciding on Thanksgiving plans with our family in a state of flux. There have been many changes and variables: my mom’s sickness, our marriage, David’s sisters’ potential relocation to Europe, my brother’s promotion.

Husbometer update:

Weeks Average of Score
1 0.62
2 0.57
3 0.54
4 0.55
5 0.55
6 0.56
7 0.57
8 0.54
9 0.55
Grand Total 0.56

A reminder of the categories:

Sex (Quantity, Quality)
Communication
Chores
Fitness & Health
Finances
Trust
Dealing w/ Everybody Else
Food
Little things

The first category landed some points for quality tonight. I wonder whether and how these categories might change as we grow old.

Tonight also featured a meet-and-greet with Frances, of Tony and Frances. They are entrepreneurs and investors that focus their energy on mentoring people toward personal and financial goals. I met the couple through my childhood best friend, Olivia.

Meanwhile on our bedroom computer… Giants win 27-23 vs. San Fran!

Bagels and Pita Chips

Bad dreams wiped away by husband cuddles. Another day to sleep in and enjoy family time. Breakfast was leftover bagels topped with everything, and coffee. David and I watched a video about the 1950s French involvement in Vietnam.

A morning excursion to Portland City Center featured a charming bakery, a well-balanced thrift shop with a little bit of everything, and novelty shop equipped with thank you cards and cute oven mits.

After that, we said goodbye to Sophie and packed up Tom’s car. The drive is a blur of conversation, music, media consumption, naps.

Lunch was also dinner? A rest stop was involved. Think: skimpy overpriced salad, pita chips (unexpectedly covered with cinnamon sugar), guacamole extras and large fries from McDonald’s.

We dropped Caroline and Kristin at their dad’s place, and had the opportunity to visit there for a little while.

Then we returned to Chapel. I retrieved my jacket from the basement, and the boys unloaded love on Rocky (the family companion).

The rest of the night was spent driving back to the city, hunting for parking in our neighborhood, hauling things back to the apartment, chugging seltzer and settling in…

We bickered over David’s recent line of complaint: I am oppositional and he doesn’t feel his opinions are valued. He presented the complaint in the form of comparing me to one of his relatives.

Please take a moment to imagine my data project, the “Husbometer“, making squeaky, break-down noises.

What other strategic objectives do we have for our coupledom in these last of the 100 days?

My thoughts return to a post-nup, and a yearning to mitigate some relationship stressors (my gainful employment).

 

Dog Food & Finances

Chloe is a 14-year-old bichon poodle mix. Mom has taken to homemaking Chloe’s food in order to help her skin irritations. Mom’s friend recommended the recipe.

My day started with chicken liver retrieval duty. I also picked up peanut butter and honeycrisp apples.

The Recipe:

Ingredients: chicken livers, oil, frozen veggies (peas, carrots, e.g.), instant (brown) rice, water.

Mom heats the oil and dumps in two containers of chicken livers. (Some grocery stores carry them, some do not.) Once in the pot, she cuts the chicken liver into smaller pieces.

At this point, Chloe begins to dance around her in the kitchen.

When the meat is cooked, Mom adds 1 cup of instant rice and 2 cups of water.

When that is cooked (it doesn’t take long), she adds a pleasant ratio of frozen veggies.

Scoop a serving, let it cool, sprinkle with angle eyes medicine, promptly serve to pooch.

Mom stored half of the remaining batch in the fridge, half in the freezer.


Husbometer looks good. David and I continue to touch base by phone.

Husbometer_Oct24

Other highlights of the day included a run, reuniting with our friend Kris and neighbor Ellie, catching up on my budgeting (finally!), and visiting with my brother Zack and his foster dog. Doing minor tasks to keep tabs on EveryLibrary work-life.

Mom did the stairs for the first time today post-surgery!

IMG_7860
I spy a loyal companion who hasn’t left her mama’s side.

Life

I slept well last night.

While I spend time with my mom, David and I are still apart. We’ve returned to our middle distance relationship habit of communicating via Google Chat.

Mom is doing better. Her walking improved and the wound-draining slowed.

I filled my day with mini projects from work, school and life around me.

Today’s work-related Google searches:

“learn to love social media scheduling”

“how to have a regular relationship with social media for your business”

“how to post regularly on social media and enjoy it”

“hate doing social media scheduling?”

My current class is challenging me to think about library planning, marketing and assessment – and how that can be applied to my current political action work for libraries.

Other items on the highlights reel:

  • making marshmallows in the fireplace
  • driving old blue and hiking in the UConn Forest
  • attending online synchronous class session
  • veggies burgers and spaghetti
  • finally starting laundry from the California trip

I liked hearing the sound of UConn marching band rehearsal through the woods during my hike. I messaged with David about career and family planning.

Plugging along with husbometer data from a distance. I guess I should leave categories blank when we’re doing distance?

Sex (Quantity, Quality) 10/23/18 6
Communication 10/23/18 0.6 6
Chores 10/23/18 6
Fitness & Health 10/23/18 6
Cashflow 10/23/18 6
Friendship 10/23/18 0.6 6
Dealing w/ Everybody Else 10/23/18 0.6 6
Food 10/23/18 6
Little things 10/23/18 0.5 6

It causes me to realize that my husbometer categories are flawed. Reality may necessarily cause us to break from reporting in some of these categories. It also challenges me to consider management of my own expectations. What would happen if I ranked these categories in terms of importance to me? Why would I rank them that way?

  1. Communication
  2. Fitness and health
  3. Friendship

The “little things” and “friendship” categories are similar, I’m realizing. In recording data, I’ve also noted a relationship between the friendship and communication categories.

Communication is increasingly important to me. So much revolves around communication: emotions, trust, sense of friendship, support, self, and future direction.

Fitness and health comes next. We lose a lot without some steady investment in that category. Sex is related to this category, and I think I take it for granted that this category consistently skews above-average…

My criteria for rating each category is a little willy-nilly. It’s based on memory and instinct.

Oww-y!

Today, I journeyed home to be with my mom. She is recovering from surgery.

The drive went quickly. I listened to video lectures for my online coursework. Near the end of the drive, I ran an errand in Ellington for mom. After getting medicine from the vet, I stopped off to explore the local library.

Hall Memorial Library

IMG_7812IMG_7813

IMG_7826
Impressive board game and cake pan circulating collections!

Mom and I caught up. To convey her pain, she told a story. She was passed out post-surgery. Mitch said she sleep-talked through her deep sleep, saying,

oww-y, oww-y, owww 

After lunch with mom, I settled into computerland. Zack visited with Duke, and I completed my first GoodReads book review! (Something I hope to continue doing to better develop my librarian powers of reading-recommendation).

For Whom the Bell Tolls by Ernest Hemingway.
For Whom the Bell Tolls by Ernest Hemingway. Edition borrowed from my husband’s family.

It felt good to catch up with the husbometer and dig into the blog today. In my reports of daily life, I’ve lost sight of my earlier intention to have a somewhat strategic first 100 days of marriage. A brainstorm:

  • Draft post-nuptial agreement
  • Finish the book given to us by the attorney friend of David’s Aunt Joss
  • Continue tracking husbometer data
  • Review husbometer data with David
  • Create strategies for the lower performing categories
  • Articulate career and finance goals

Emotionally? We’re doing okay. A lot of love, excitement, and little moments. We’re still learning to communicate effectively with each other, and that may be a lifelong project. The commitment part of things is the steel frame in my vision for the future. David uses the word “coalescing”, and I like that.

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